So sorry for sucking

Yeah, haven’t been doing what you could call “blogging” lately.  Been sick since I’ve been in LA.  Like… seriously.  First I had the Cold that Never Ends (yes it goes on and on my friends) Now I have some kind of stomach thing that is making me barfy all the time.

I just wanna be well!! WAA!!

And I want the weather to stay warm enough to break both legs and a wrist trying out my new rollerblades!

Day of the Ninja

Did you know that yesterday was The Day of the Ninja? yah.  totally.  Next year I will need to participate.  It’s the one day of the year that non-jas get to be ninjas.

Came home from work sick.  I at least waited until I barfed the second time, just to make sure it wasn’t a fluke.   Random barfing isn’t fun.

This is awesomes:

Cellery of doom

Spent like two hours gagging last night and FINALLY, after hurking out numerous bubbles of stomach juice, managed to barf up the cellery I had for dinner.  Da hell!!?? It’s just cellery!  You’d think I’d eaten ball bearings or something, the way it seemed to get stuck.  SO yeah, I barfed up three small cellery sticks (well, by that point they’d been reduced to baby food) that had turned day-glo green with their radioactivity, or whatever the hell was wrong with them, and then I felt better. I mean, not completely. I called off work today because my throat hurts and, well, my everything hurts. And I think I busted capilaries under my eyes… but whatever.  At least I dont have that stabbing pain any more. Good old stabbing pain.

Sooo seepy-seepy

Sadly, yes, I have a whole category dedicated to sleep.

Man, I’ve been tired for like a week.  I was in a meeting tonight and I was like… dont close your eyes.  Just don’t do it. Don’t close them…
Then they shut off the lights.  I’m like, aww man, you’re not helping me out here.  Too bad I haveta go grocery shopping after work and can’t just go home and crash.  Wonder if I can persuade James to change the sheets. I’m just too frigging tired to care that they’ve been on the bed for two weeks. And I need to clean the cat’s litterbox. Oh have mercy upon me!

Cows go moo

I’m still waa and depressed and stuff. Not getting any of my homework done. Just can’t make myself.   I know I need to schedule another appt with the shrink but then I’d have to like… do something. Which I just seem to be incapable of handling right now.  I’m just so tired all the time. So waaa.

Waa, bitch, moan.

1) Mouth hurts.  Oodles of noodleses.

2) Still no kitty.

3) Still [heart] Jack.  Yes, he and I are on a first name basis now.  Even though he’s a captain, and his name is Jack.

It’s like that. But different.  Well, not really.  It’s actually exactly like that.

Sooo seepy seepy.

I figure I should blog while I have a good ten or twenty minutes of awakeness before the Roxicet sets in. Aww yeah, baybee, it’s a Cet! Not quite as cool as Perkoset, Roxicet is liquid, yucky tasting, and mostly just makes you too tired to notice how bad you hurt.

Surgery went well. I over-did it today, which is the majority of my complaint. Ebryfing hurts and is sore. Guess I learned my lesson, huh?

Fish heads, yum.

Laughing happy fishheads… (makes me think of Unkie Joker for some reason… ok, moving on)

TOTALLY just revisited dinner.  eww.  And waa. Pity me.

Like sewiously.  Eww.

Trying to think up a way to tell james… sorry, dont care if you dont like the squishy mattress topper…I do, live with it.  like seriously… it’s my new happy place that doesn’t involve my little pony and the daleks teaming up to teach the universe a lesson.

Y’know…

I should be more upset/freaked out/mildly curious. I heard from one of my sibilings that my mom went to the ER. They think it was her heart. Mary heard this from Jenn, who isn't even home. They also don't know which hospital. It's been like four hours since she should have gotten off of work, and she's not home.

**Update… finally heard from Jenn. Who's sitting in the car of the boyfriend from whom she has just broken up. AGAIN. This happens like twice a week. The dude needs to either choose jenn or the old girlfriend, and Jenn needs to stop putting up with that kind of treatment. God. When is she going to get some self-esteem? Anyways… they've admitted mom, the lady at the front desk says that "from what I see here, she may not be capacitated enough to take your call."

Still feel guilty for not freaking out.

…gone

I had a chat with someone at work the other night about addiction.  I mentioned drugs do the exact opposite to me as they’re supposed to.  Adderol makes me sleepy, the opate stimulation makes me feel like I’ve been hitting the caffine a little too hard and anything that CAN knock me out WILL knock me out. This person gave  a big ditto to that, saying medication can often have the oposite effect on those with addictive personalities.  Which lead into discussions of my father and the other person’s family, and the other person’s own struggles.  I dont think I realized until then just how much I resented my father’s problems.  And bla bla bla, addiction is a disease, bla bla bla… I just really resented that he had these flaws of character. I dont think it really dawned on me till then that it wasn’t  really a weakness of character, but an actual behavioral disease.

A few years ago, I moved into my own apartment.  The day I moved in, my cousin killed himself.  I was off starting a new adventure, and he was ending his journey. I think it was easier for me to accept that he had suffered from a disease, and in the end, the disease had taken him.  It was a sudden end to an illness that we hadn’t known was there; like finding out AFTER death that your loved one suffered from some sort of cancer.

I’ve sort of come to terms with dad being as he is.  There’s certainly nothing I can do about it, and I’m kind of at peace with that.  But I’m still resentful that things are going in the direction they are.  I’ve been resentful that he’s too dumb to see that his whole life is going down the toilet because of his problem.  I guess I’ve been resentful that he’s blind.

I can’t really say I “feel better” about things, but I can say I at least have a new perspective.  He can’t see his symptoms, but everybody else can.  We point them out to him, but he’s in denial.  How sick does one have to become with a disease before one seeks help?

Knowing that people die every day from their addictions doesn’t really give much comfort; it just tells me people can go a very long way without getting help.

This may sound preachy, kind of like something that should be on the back of a pamphlet of some kind, but I really just want him to be the person God wants him to be.  I don’t care if that’s with mom, or on his own.  I want both of them to have some peace and happiness.  They both certainly have their own issues to work through, and they dont appear to be doing it together.  I am just kind of sad that one or both of them is probably going to end up in a much worse place in the next few years.  I can’t imagine it, and I dont think i want to.

I just have to keep telling myself… it isn’t them.  It’s the disease, right?  That’s like asking someone in chronic  pain to be cheerful all the time.  diseased minds dont behave in rational ways.