Suicidal Snowflakes

Just because I have a short attention span doesn\’t mean I…

Turn on yer damned lights

D00d. seriously, why does bad weather bring out the dysfunction in all the functionally retarded drivers on the road? No one has mastered the concept of putting their headlights on when the weather is bad. There’s nothing worse than an invisible silver car hurling through the rain towards you at break-neck speed.

Next, here’s a helpful hint… don’t go twenty five over the limit when there’s freezing rain and patches of slush and ice on the road. I don’t know, maybe I’m just crazy like that. I know the speed limits are really speed suggestions around here. But don’t you think you should cut it down to say, maybe, only five over, when cars are skidding around every bend? I don’t know. I’m just saying.

Don’t play those little games where you speed up and pass me on the right, or try to tailgate me into speeding up. Thats just an accident waiting to happen. I’m not afeared of driving in inclimate weather, even with three all-weather tires and a spare on the car. I have driven in blizzards with my sad little two wheel drive four cylander shitbox. But you people zipping about in your SUVs and such scare the bejebus out of me. Just because you have more mass doesn’t mean you can go 70 on a windy 35 mph back road. Sure, ok, pass me over the double yellow line, whatever. But do you have to do it ONLY when the weather is shitty? Why do people drive WORSE when the weather is bad?

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January 22, 2007 Posted by | Unwashed Masses | 4 Comments

Grammar Nazi

Dear People:

It’s pronounced lahy-brer-ee.  There’s a whole extra syllable in that word you people are neglecting.  Stop it.  Just say it right.  It’s not a freaking li-barry.  If it was a li-barry, it’d be spelt libarry.  And yes, I spelt spelt that way for a reason.  

Love,

Me.

January 19, 2007 Posted by | Unwashed Masses | Leave a comment

Christmas decorations from hell

Ok.  The first six foot tall blow-up snowman I saw three or four years ago was kind of cool.  It was different, it was lit up, it was an interesting decoration.  But now people have front lawns full of them–blow up santas, blow up reindeer.

Then last year it somehow managed to get worse–blow up snow globes with blow up snowmen inside with fake snow flying around the rubber ball.

Somehow, it managed to get worse.  These people have the blow up globe with santa and a chimney on their front porch…. but that’s not the disturbing part. Oh no, it gets worse.

And I’m not talking about the 14 other blow-up or light-up things on their porch.  I’m talking about on the roof of the porch.  The blow up carousel inside the blow up globe that actually moved.  But thats not the disturbing part. Oh wait, there’s more… it’s the blow up trains going around on a little track in the oposite direction around the moving carousel  inside the blow up globe.

Oh.

My.

God.

What sort of tackiness is the neighbrhood coming to?  Everyone’s trying to outdo the guy next door, and th people with the eighteen wire light-up deer in their yard are hard to beat (this is in addition to their decorated tree, the huge light-up snow flakes in another tree, window decorations, light-up nativity, santa track lighting, light-up santa, light-up candy canes… you name it these people have it.  But at least it’s marginally tasteful.  It’s not that… globe. That… THING. Oy Vey.

December 19, 2006 Posted by | Unwashed Masses | Leave a comment

I’m exceedingly clever.

I can’t actually spell exceedingly, but it’s true, I am.

Check this shizzle out.

This is how you know Russia is no longer a superpower.  1) They were unsuccesful and 2) They got caught.  That’s just not competent.

I feel like I should write a book “Political Assasinations Made Easy(r)” or something.

November 18, 2006 Posted by | Social and Politics, Unwashed Masses | Leave a comment

It’s like a sugar cookie, but with words.

I have no idea what that means. I’m delirious, after all.

Anyways… ways people have found my site lately:

redneck christmas

How to make myself sick

wedgie machines

nascar slash

keep urine warm with

walmart snowing bowling

school hurts

biblical meaning of snowflakes

icebreakers sours international shipping

school dicipline

**

Really just further proof that key word searching isn’t infallable.

November 14, 2006 Posted by | Unwashed Masses | 2 Comments

The Intarweb scares me.

It scares me really, really, REALLY badly.

September 30, 2006 Posted by | Nerdology, Unwashed Masses | Leave a comment

There are no words.

Yeah, I have NO words for this. I’m sure there’re plenty of adjectives and such, but DUDE. Ok. I guess I should just preface this little tale by saying I’m glad my husband doesn’t bother to read my blog any more. Because I can tell the internet how freakin’ stupid he is. Ok. I take my shirt off. I ask him to take my bra off. He does, then he’s like ‘get out of the way!’ cuz, y’know, Pokemon cartoons’re really important. And I said ok, I’m going to go upstairs and get nekkid. he’s like yeah, right, whatever. I keep trying to persuade him (half nekkid, even) that he should come upstairs. So I go upstairs,I dink around. finally I go down to get my water bottle, wearing the silk robe that doesn’t hide all that much, and I once again tell him he really should come upstairs. I get the yeah, whatever bit, and I tell him… dude, we have to be up in like 5 hrs. Yeah… whatever. Cuz, y’know, he’s watching Transformers and PLAYING Pokemon. GRR ARG.

I am really annoyed (among other things) at the moment. Pokey-people (as I call them) and Robots that turn into cars are more important. I mean, really?? I thought guys were supposed to think about ‘it’ like… one in every three thoughts?? If one thought was transformers and one thought was pokemon… why wasn’t I one of those thoughts?? And if I was… why didn’ the freakin’ NOTICE.

HUFF.

Dear internet, boys are dumb.

Ps. I need to go find some chocolate.

September 28, 2006 Posted by | Angst, Unwashed Masses | 3 Comments

Funniest thing I’ve heard today.

And I say this as someone who’s been reading Shortpacked all afternoon.

Ok… so I’m watching the ticker on CNN… 1000 Pakastani clergy and scholars called today for the removal of the pope over the ‘hurtful statements’ he made.

I can’t even catagorize this as politics or religion.  I mean, sure, politics and religion are involved, but that’s the damned funniest thing I’ve heard in a while.  Totally.  Tumbuddy had der widdle feewings howt. Remember when you were on the playground and kids called you names, and you cried? It’s like that.  But with popes and stuff.  Secondly… dude… the pope doesn’t get removed.  I mean… it’s not like you can impeach the pope.  It’s a lifetime position.  and I dont think he’s going to ‘step down’ because tumbuddy felt yukky because of something he said.  Geeze.  The pope ALWAYS says stuff that makes someone, somewhere mad. I mean, everybody’s always whining about how mean the pope and the catholic church are because of something they say/do.  That’s LIFE.

I mean, that’s not just life in a world with the catholic church, or life in a world with those pesky ten commandments and such.  I mean… that’s LIFE.  People arn’t always going to agree with you ideologicallly, religiously, morally…whatever.  But dude… shut UP.  Ok, Just shut up already.  Does everyone have to agree with you all the time?

So, ok.  Whatever.   Stupid people are dumb.

September 22, 2006 Posted by | Unwashed Masses | Leave a comment

Number seven

7) NOT related to the previously-linked articles: He or she is NOT an ALLEGID SUSPECT. Stop saying it, it makes my brain burn, you stupid wanktards with no clear grasp of the English language. Of course, their understanding of English…it depends on who you ask. It’s WHOM, you idiot. Yes, you can say it once in a while. It’s an objective noun. WHO is subjective. Now, boys and girls, what is the root of subjective? Yes, subject. Who is used in reference to the subject of a given sentence. An objective noun would therefore apply to the OBJECT of the sentence.

I seriously, SERIOUSLY sometimes want to strangle people who, in allegedly “professional” communications, misuse “I/me” “he/him” or “who/whom.” These people of course, and individuals who pride themselves on how fricking clever they are, how well they communicate, and how much damned smarter they are than you. WHAT THE HELL IS SO DIFFICULT ABOUT GRAMMAR?? ESPECIALLY WHEN WORD UNDERLINES YOUR FREAKIN’ MISTAKES IN GREEN!! IF IT’S GOT GREEN SQUIGGLES UNDER IT, MAYBE, JUST MAYBE TAKE A MOMENT AND REVISIT THE SENTENCE AND FIGURE OUT WHAT’S WRONG!! BUT i BET YOU CAN’T DO THAT. BECAUSE YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FREAKIN’ CORRECT WAY TO WRITE IT WOULD BE.

I will almost always (unless you’re speaking in public and trying to show people how freakin’ smart you are) forgive misplaced words and shady grammar when you’re speaking. But for the sake of my painful noggin, please, PLEASE, just freakin’ double-check what you’re typing if Word underlines it in green. Word isn’t always right, and god knows it’ll never be able to handle reflexive use of himself/herself but at least check.

Another thing I find utterly agonizing is that no one in this region uses the ‘to be’ verb. The word “which” seems to be permanently stricken from their vocabularies. Everything is “that.” Sometimes a sentence needs a little “which.” Sometimes even a “that which.” But they don’t do it. Ever. It’s far less painful to listen to than to read. I get SO angry when I read it in print.

But ultimately, it’s the misuse of the “to be” verb (all of ’em… it’s not just ‘to be,’ y’know), that is the thing that causes me more seizures than “that which.” I seriously. Seriously. Seriously. am going to have a brain explosion some day. My left eyeball is going to come shooting out of my head from the pressure, and my brains (which have since been liquefied by the misplaced who/whoms) are going to come spraying with such force they’re going to hit the offender in the back of the head. And then they’ll be sorry.

I don’t know why I’m so uptight about grammar in print. I say this as someone incapable of spelling 62.4% of the words I use. Sometimes I get so flustered by what I see in print, I’m sure I’m going to have an anurism. It’s not like I go to bed at night with a leg strewn over a volume of the OED. but… just… uurrg…ahh…AKKKK!!!!! I mean… I get personally offended when I see that stuff. I usually can’t rise up enough caring to give one fig, much less two about most things, but this is like a knife in my chest, like they’re doing it to me, personally. Then they stir the knife around, just for good measure. Just talking about it is making me uptight and tense. Don’t even get me started on dashes. Some two-word combinations just need hyphenated. Just do it. Please, for me. Please hyphenate the damned word, especially if it’s a number, and help me to survive in the world one more day.

Maybe I need to see a therapist about this.

Anyhoo. I [heart] Captain Jack and Daleks.

 

September 15, 2006 Posted by | Angst, Unwashed Masses, Wordy | Leave a comment

HATE “journalism.”

“Fair and impartial” media my ass. I am not passing judgment on what the pope said. In fact, if you read these articles… you don’t even know WHAT the hell the pope said. I’m passing judgment on the way these stories are written. I think it would be more informative and put the story into context more if you had more than two words out of the pope’s speach. Ever read a tagline review for a movie? “Exciting…exhilarating ” says Some News Agency. Meanwhile the sentence that’s extracted from says “There was nothing even exciting about this movie. I’ve taken craps in public restrooms that were more exhilarating.” But hey, those words’re in there. It’s a quote.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,213930,00.html

http://article.wn.com/view/2006/09/15/Pope_must_apologise_in_person/

ws if the pope (hating on Christianity’s both easy and fun) bashes Islam, a peace-loving religion, and in turn gets denounced by Pakistan’s legislature (quaking in my boots, guys), than if the pope makes a pretty decent statement regarding fundamentalists terrorst tenants that happen to include two tetchy words that make “open-minded” people (basically those that sympathise with any popular cause. Christianity–not pop-culture friendly–they get to be the bad guys, regardless of whether they actually are, in this instance, or not)…cringe.

At least this netscape article includes what the pope actually SAID, in something resembling context and said the pope neither agreed nor disagreed with the thing he was quoting, other than saying it was “brusque.”

A few points I’d like to make:

1) I do have an opinion regarding the pope’s comments.  I will not discuss it here.  I would like to make it ABUNDANTLY clear that this post is NOT about islam, christianity, the pope, the war, etc.

2) This is about the media and how much I despise their sensationalization of everything.  I think it’s fine to show the world’s reaction to something the pope says.  Especially if some people’re ticked off (aww come on, lets face it–the pope could say the sky is blue, and that’d piss someone off somewhere–any sort of leadership role brings that with it).  However, especially in the first story, they’re focusing on the reaction, at the expense of reporting what people are reacting to.  I mean, I am, in general, a pretty apathetical person, and that first artical would have had ME up in arms too, if I didn’t reserve 92.3% of my loathing for the media, especially the local media in my town.

3) I believe that the obsession with sensationalizing any sort of “news” and crafting a story in a way that tells certain truths but dispenses with  others that could be concieved as contextual truths because selective truth tells a better story is neglegant.  Remember the Maine, much? Not a new game of the media, so don’t act like I’m bashing the media because they have a bias against christianity, cat lovers and fat people. It’s almost to the point where some of these stories, and the way they’re “selective” in their fact-reporting, are “creative non-fiction.” They tell a story with a good side and a bad side, a dramatic  beginning, middle and end, and leave you emotionally charge.

4) Take a look at that second story.  Can someone tell me if we hate the jews or not? I mean, half the time it’s like… oh america hates jews! and the other half people’re like… you zionists! You jew lovers! I mean… I just want to be clear.  Do I hate or love jews? Cuz… personally…I believe in hating people on an individual basis as opposed to association with any sort of group human beings insist on lumping themselves into all the time.  Give any human being long enough–they’ll give you a reason to hate ’em.  Usually it only takes me like…7.8 minutes before I have a totally unique (like a snowflake!), personalized and individual reason to hate someone.

But back to the jew thing. It’s like when I hear people from hollywood bitching that hollywood is homophobic and jew-phobic.  Uh… isn’t that like, self-hate or something, considering that’s like 82.8% of hollywood. It leaves me… confused.

5) I’d be quite happy (But i’m not holding my breath), if the media would get off the intellectual elitist pedistal they’ve placed themselves upon and just report the facts, and not try to shape a story by selective fact-telling.  Sure, I know selection is inevidable and that it’s impossible to be entirely impartial, but don’t be such big honkin’ drama queens.  I mean… really.

6) The intellectual arrogance when they put their little moral slants on everything. I see this as more of an affront to intellectual honesty than some sort of moral code that I disagree with–this thing where they don’t acknowledge any sort of view point or morality beyond their own, and anyone who believes different is obviously backwards and wrong.  I am NOT getting into, on here, one way or another, my feelings regarding exactly what their moral code entails.  Another story for another day.

September 15, 2006 Posted by | Social and Politics, Unwashed Masses | Leave a comment