Suicidal Snowflakes

Just because I have a short attention span doesn\’t mean I…

This morning…

this morning i had this really weird feeling.  It wasn't a feeling so much as believing, even for a few moments that something was true.  Like you had your entire weekend planned out, then you remembered… holy crap, I have to go to school, or this family reunion… I've been talking about it all month, how could I forget it was two days from now!?  That kind of feeling. 

I had this flash, like it was perfectly normal and concievable that I was taking off saturday and monday (I'm off mondays, I don't know why I thought this) for a funeral.  I even reminded myself, in my head, which portion of the time sheet to fill out for it. I could see it in my mind's eye. It was so weird.  Maybe it was a hold-over of my mom telling me how my grandmother wasn't doing too well, and how mom's nurse-friend suggested that the symptoms were consistant with a degenerative heart failure.

On monday or so, I was thinking to myself… I wonder what'll happen when Ms Forsythe passes away.  She doesn't seem to have any family in the area, I wonder if we'll be called and told this. A weird thought, yeah. Kind of morbid too.  I had the whole internal monolgue going on about this sort of thing. What was I thinking? She was old and wrinkly, but she also had a ton of spunk left in her.  she had that "go get 'em" laugh.  Shutup, I told myself.  She won't be around forever, but it's not something you have to worry about any time soon. And besides, her dadlived till he was 93.  She was from good stock and would probably still be alive when I left Pittsburgh to start my next adventure in life.  I'd probably hear about her passing from some place in the midwest where I'd be insulated by time and distance. Why was I even thinking about this? Who thinks about how it'll be when someone dies, anyway? 

Later on Monday she called to reschedule my Tuesday appointment.  She had a funeral for a friend's mother to go to.  The woman had been in her 90's, and they were close; the woman would call her every sunday from the old folks' home.  She apologized to me, explaining she'd grown up with this family and she couldn't miss the funeral home or the funeral.  I told her I completely understood, and I was sorry for HER, she didn't need to apologise to me.  We rescheduled for Friday.  She said she had a meeting with an advertiser at 1:30, but she didn't anticipate it taking more than half an hour, so could I come in at 2pm. 

 She's never had advertising before.  It's kind of cool that she's branching out into this new place and trying something different, or maybe that's just how the little ad that's in the phone book gets there every year.   

Today I got a call from a lady who said she was "from" the McGrail school of voice.  I was like yeah, ok, uhhuh whatever.  This lady sounded very young.  I wondered if the advertising thing was part of an expansion move on her part, and this lady was part of that.  I remembered the  last time I called about a week ago, and there was a young lady's voice on the answering machine, not Ms. Forsythe, who's voice sounded a bit saturated with whiskey and cigarett smoke (whether this was the case or not, I can't say–it just sounded that way), and I wondered how the heck that had gotten there. 

really, it always takes longer to tell than it takes to happen–all this went on in the space between the woman saying she was from the school of voice and that my appointment friday and all future appointments were cancled, Ms.  Forsythe had passed away.  "wow" was about all I could manage. I know it isn't the greatest, but it was all i could muster.  We spoke for a few more minutes, and I was just in absolute shock.  I mean, I shouldn't have been, it felt like I was dwelling on this all week, but I was.

A friend from choir has known Ms Forsythe since, like, the 50's, and when I called her to tell her, she was as shocked as I was.  It was kind of a relief to know that I wasn't the only one that was STUNNED that an old lady had died.  

It's all very very weird.  I guess it's going to take some time to process.  

that she'd passed away this morning.  Aparently it was a heart attack and they were unable to revive her.  I got


June 8, 2006 - Posted by | Family & Friends

1 Comment »

  1. Hello This message is for Battybeyond. Ms Forsythe was my voice instructor as well. I was wondering how you are coping and whether you have found another voice teacher. Please contact me if possible. Perhaps, we crossed paths during the funeral…?

    Comment by Soni1228 | June 27, 2007

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