Suicidal Snowflakes

Just because I have a short attention span doesn\’t mean I…


I had a chat with someone at work the other night about addiction.  I mentioned drugs do the exact opposite to me as they’re supposed to.  Adderol makes me sleepy, the opate stimulation makes me feel like I’ve been hitting the caffine a little too hard and anything that CAN knock me out WILL knock me out. This person gave  a big ditto to that, saying medication can often have the oposite effect on those with addictive personalities.  Which lead into discussions of my father and the other person’s family, and the other person’s own struggles.  I dont think I realized until then just how much I resented my father’s problems.  And bla bla bla, addiction is a disease, bla bla bla… I just really resented that he had these flaws of character. I dont think it really dawned on me till then that it wasn’t  really a weakness of character, but an actual behavioral disease.

A few years ago, I moved into my own apartment.  The day I moved in, my cousin killed himself.  I was off starting a new adventure, and he was ending his journey. I think it was easier for me to accept that he had suffered from a disease, and in the end, the disease had taken him.  It was a sudden end to an illness that we hadn’t known was there; like finding out AFTER death that your loved one suffered from some sort of cancer.

I’ve sort of come to terms with dad being as he is.  There’s certainly nothing I can do about it, and I’m kind of at peace with that.  But I’m still resentful that things are going in the direction they are.  I’ve been resentful that he’s too dumb to see that his whole life is going down the toilet because of his problem.  I guess I’ve been resentful that he’s blind.

I can’t really say I “feel better” about things, but I can say I at least have a new perspective.  He can’t see his symptoms, but everybody else can.  We point them out to him, but he’s in denial.  How sick does one have to become with a disease before one seeks help?

Knowing that people die every day from their addictions doesn’t really give much comfort; it just tells me people can go a very long way without getting help.

This may sound preachy, kind of like something that should be on the back of a pamphlet of some kind, but I really just want him to be the person God wants him to be.  I don’t care if that’s with mom, or on his own.  I want both of them to have some peace and happiness.  They both certainly have their own issues to work through, and they dont appear to be doing it together.  I am just kind of sad that one or both of them is probably going to end up in a much worse place in the next few years.  I can’t imagine it, and I dont think i want to.

I just have to keep telling myself… it isn’t them.  It’s the disease, right?  That’s like asking someone in chronic  pain to be cheerful all the time.  diseased minds dont behave in rational ways.


March 4, 2006 - Posted by | Family & Friends, Sick or/of sleep

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