Suicidal Snowflakes

Just because I have a short attention span doesn\’t mean I…

disgruntled with the world

-severe mouth pain. REALLY need my wisdom teeth pulled; there is a whole seperate diatribe in here about how bad my dentist sucks and how impossible it’s been to find a new dentist due to time and flaky insurance.

-got a call from someone about my cat, they left a message.  Damned garbled thing, I hate cell phones. They of course werent bright enough to leave a call back number but i did hear them say “how much” twice, so I know they’re fishing for a reward. I miss my cat and I want him back.  They called friday and didn’t try calling again saturday. I guess they’re waiting for me to call them back which I cant because they wernt bright enough to leave a number.  or call on a freaking land line.  It sucks that people are so… grrr. you know?

–bitter because james was home and just didn’t feel like answering the phone.  I hate it when my sibilings do it, I hate it when he does it.  Maybe we’d have the cat back by now if he’d have picked up the phone.  I dont want to think about my cat living with people who’d hold him for randsom, basically, if I dont cough up “reward” money.

-And I can say all this because my husband no longer reads my blog and only begrudgingly reads anything else I write, after I harass him.  But that’s just like  everybody else.  I mean, i admit to producing complete and utter crap, but nobody’s reading so it’s not like I’m offending anyone’s eyes.

-very tired but can’t sleep.  The cat situation is part of it.  mouth pain’s another part.  The ansomnia that’s been working it’s way up for the last few weeks is another.  Plus when i finally do fall asleep in the morning, I either need to get up and drive  my husbad to school, do something totally stupid, or someone calls here and wakes me up.  You see, I actually answer the phone.  this morning it was my grandmother.  Couldn’t get back to sleep because of the guilt–i haven’t called them since july.

–I feel like nothing I do matters. Well, there’s me in particular. But I feel like nothing anyone does matters.  It’s like… well, we all die some day, and then that’s it.  You lived, you did a bunch of stuff, and now you’re dead and you can’t take it with you.  Congratulations.  I gues sin that sense death is the great equalizer. I’ll die whether I’m a nice person or not.  I’ll die whether I am successful or not.  in some ways I feel like I’m just thought through the motions.

–Haven’t been to church since the start of the summer.  This could probably get it’s own seperate diatribe/post on it.  First, I used to drag my ass out of bed every sunday to sing with the choir because I like singing and bla bla bla.  Finally my body coldn’t take getting up that early so cut back, then stopped all together.  Then getting up for church on time was too much effort.  There are churches with evening times around here, but once my butt is planted on the couch on sundays it really doesn’t get up.  I just feel exhausted and cranky all day.  it’s like I shut down on my first day off.  I also dont want to fight with my husband to get him out te door, nor do I want to  (well, like to, really) go by myself. Tired of dealing with the type of people who go there.  Not sinners. Churches are filled with sinners.  Just… freakin’ annoying people. They’re everywhere.  And everybody’s got their freaking opinion. I just dont like dealing with peoople any more and the last people I want to deal with are “church” people and alll their annoying little opinions and behaviors.  Well, that and priests who bloviate, and are quite bombastic, yet say very little.  there’s something that gets on my last nerve to hear that kind of stuff fro the pulpit.  I’m tired of going into ugly churches.  I’m tired of everything. it’s amazing, I bother worrying about how to deal with my dad in a christian./humane manner, but I dont like the whole actually dealing with people thing.

–my mom’s insane, annoying and detraumental t anyone ever getting sleep when she’s near by.  She’s got the whole martyrdom, guilt complex thing going on for her, but my dad still annoys me more.  you know the only reason why he’s calling is because he wants something.  Plus all the excess baggage of what he HAS done

-another thing that’s annoying me.  james took the pillow top off the bed. It’s so stiff and hard and uncomfortable. I know it’s not for him, but I’m feeling selfish.  I just want someone to look out for me and after me for a little while.  I take care of everyone else.

–fallling asleep.  Tht’s good i guess

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September 24, 2006 - Posted by | Angst

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