Suicidal Snowflakes

Just because I have a short attention span doesn\’t mean I…

Number seven

7) NOT related to the previously-linked articles: He or she is NOT an ALLEGID SUSPECT. Stop saying it, it makes my brain burn, you stupid wanktards with no clear grasp of the English language. Of course, their understanding of English…it depends on who you ask. It’s WHOM, you idiot. Yes, you can say it once in a while. It’s an objective noun. WHO is subjective. Now, boys and girls, what is the root of subjective? Yes, subject. Who is used in reference to the subject of a given sentence. An objective noun would therefore apply to the OBJECT of the sentence.

I seriously, SERIOUSLY sometimes want to strangle people who, in allegedly “professional” communications, misuse “I/me” “he/him” or “who/whom.” These people of course, and individuals who pride themselves on how fricking clever they are, how well they communicate, and how much damned smarter they are than you. WHAT THE HELL IS SO DIFFICULT ABOUT GRAMMAR?? ESPECIALLY WHEN WORD UNDERLINES YOUR FREAKIN’ MISTAKES IN GREEN!! IF IT’S GOT GREEN SQUIGGLES UNDER IT, MAYBE, JUST MAYBE TAKE A MOMENT AND REVISIT THE SENTENCE AND FIGURE OUT WHAT’S WRONG!! BUT i BET YOU CAN’T DO THAT. BECAUSE YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FREAKIN’ CORRECT WAY TO WRITE IT WOULD BE.

I will almost always (unless you’re speaking in public and trying to show people how freakin’ smart you are) forgive misplaced words and shady grammar when you’re speaking. But for the sake of my painful noggin, please, PLEASE, just freakin’ double-check what you’re typing if Word underlines it in green. Word isn’t always right, and god knows it’ll never be able to handle reflexive use of himself/herself but at least check.

Another thing I find utterly agonizing is that no one in this region uses the ‘to be’ verb. The word “which” seems to be permanently stricken from their vocabularies. Everything is “that.” Sometimes a sentence needs a little “which.” Sometimes even a “that which.” But they don’t do it. Ever. It’s far less painful to listen to than to read. I get SO angry when I read it in print.

But ultimately, it’s the misuse of the “to be” verb (all of ’em… it’s not just ‘to be,’ y’know), that is the thing that causes me more seizures than “that which.” I seriously. Seriously. Seriously. am going to have a brain explosion some day. My left eyeball is going to come shooting out of my head from the pressure, and my brains (which have since been liquefied by the misplaced who/whoms) are going to come spraying with such force they’re going to hit the offender in the back of the head. And then they’ll be sorry.

I don’t know why I’m so uptight about grammar in print. I say this as someone incapable of spelling 62.4% of the words I use. Sometimes I get so flustered by what I see in print, I’m sure I’m going to have an anurism. It’s not like I go to bed at night with a leg strewn over a volume of the OED. but… just… uurrg…ahh…AKKKK!!!!! I mean… I get personally offended when I see that stuff. I usually can’t rise up enough caring to give one fig, much less two about most things, but this is like a knife in my chest, like they’re doing it to me, personally. Then they stir the knife around, just for good measure. Just talking about it is making me uptight and tense. Don’t even get me started on dashes. Some two-word combinations just need hyphenated. Just do it. Please, for me. Please hyphenate the damned word, especially if it’s a number, and help me to survive in the world one more day.

Maybe I need to see a therapist about this.

Anyhoo. I [heart] Captain Jack and Daleks.

 

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September 15, 2006 - Posted by | Angst, Unwashed Masses, Wordy

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