Suicidal Snowflakes

Just because I have a short attention span doesn\’t mean I…

I can see through the mist. Y’know, the one on the vast, glassy lake.

Usually I judge my depression level by how often I am tempted to/actually listen to the Phantom of the Opera soundtrack. Saturday I wasn’t feeling very depressed, but I popped in the second CD and it wouldn’t play in the car disk changer. So I popped in the first CD, and somewhere in the middle of Think of Me, where Raoul’s getting his knickers in a bunch over a pretty girl that might possibly pay attention to him without him having to flash a wad of bills (the subtext is there, I SWEAR), I had this startling revelation:

The big loser in that whole love triangle/debacle (other than all the people the Phantom killed) is Raoul. He had to take the whiney bitch home, and he was stuck with her. She and the Phantom were really meant for each other. And not in that “their souls touched” sappy kind of way. I mean… she was a whiney bitch who couldn’t make up her effing mind, and he was psychotic. They’re made for each other in that dysfunctional way that kept my parents together for so long. They could just scream at each other and make a ruckas all day. Mostly, if the Phantom and Christine got together, they’d be saving two unsuspecting strangers from their codependant dysfunctions.

Oh yeah, and I don’t know why it finally dawned on me this last time when I saw the musical on stage, but… uh… he tries to kill her at the end of act one. I don’t know why that slipped by me before. I guess because I was young and wanted to believe in that whole “souls intertwined” reason why they should be together. But no, the Phantom really is a psychotic killer, and she really is a whiny bitch on a level that could be constrewed as malitious stupidity. But really, I think I’da tried to kill the bitch too.

Somwhere around the whole punjab laso around the neck thing, if I were Raoul, I’d have been like “ok, screw this. I quit. How much money would I have to pay you to take her off my hands? She’s pretty, has good birthing hips and is technically a virgin as long as we’re not counting oral sex.” Then he and the Phantom would have sat down over a few unwatered manly drinks like burbon or something, and contemplated how women are all demons who can’t be trusted.

That’d make one kickass buddy movie. Raoul and Erik dump Christine and travel western Europe. Boozin’ and suckin down the hookah, livin’ it like they don’t give a damn. Then Christine can take comfort in the arms of Meg, who really had a crush on her since the beginning of the first act anyways. Madem Giry looks the other way, she’s always known something was a little… “off” with Christine, and she’s just glad that Meg is interested in SOME sex, she’s an ‘artist’ and enlightened and all.

Cesar the horse runs away with the monkey on top of the music box and Mrs. Pots from Beauty and the Beast shows up to sing a song telling the little lead monkey to follow his dreams. Cesar and the monkey buy an RV and follow NASCAR around the country and talk about how dreamy Dale Jr. is and never regret leaving the musty bowles of an opera house where everyone speaks incomprehensable french and smells worse than an italian deli owner.

Yes. That’s how that that show would have totally played out, if there’d been a third act.

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March 15, 2006 - Posted by | Crazy and/or Weird, My Little Pony, Thoughts, Wordy

1 Comment »

  1. Raoul was no prize as I remember. He always seemed so desperate.

    Comment by Heather | March 15, 2006


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