Suicidal Snowflakes

Just because I have a short attention span doesn\’t mean I…

Keep Your Winky Warm

Yesterday morning I woke up to a lovely little tale on the radio about how early in the morning, a man had walked into a local conveniance store and asked the clerk if he could heat something up. The clerk gave him permission, and the man began looking at a few items in the store. Shortly thereafter, the clerk thought the contents of the microwave smelled funny. So he opened it. Lo and Behold, wrapped in a napkin was a human penis.

The police were called, the man ran off… the whole thing was on the air shortly thereafter. Left a lot of folks scratching their heads, wondering where the penis came from and what kind of sickness had lead to a man putting it in the microwave?

Turns out that it was a fake penis full of urine.

Not a tough job to fill in the blanks. We all know the story about the guy who takes the drug test and gets called in by the potential employer. He asks if he got the job. The boss says no, but you’re pregnant. Yes, there’s a black market for drug-free urine.

It’s been possible to buy dehydrated urine on the internet for quite a while. Employers doing drug screening became wise to this, and several have made it mandatory to take a urine test in front of someone, so as to ensure that said urine came out of said individual. Shortly after this new trick, it became possible to buy artificial genitalia that not only looked like the real thing, but also had bags attached capable of holding the rehydrated wiz.

So obviously this guy had a job interview/drug test and needed to come up clean when obviously that wasn’t his actual state of being and obtained said fake soldier. He reconstituted the stuff, but being the drugged out bum that he is, didn’t think to use hot water. Which won’t do, because if your aparently real genitals pee luke warm water, either your game is up, or they’re going to rush you to the hospital. So he tried to nuke it. In a conveniance store/in public. That isn’t so wrong, is it? To want warm internet-wiz?

Of course. That isn’t the only explination. I mean, it was very early morning, I can’t imagine having an interview or drug test that early, or being silly enough to think your nuked pee would stay warm until the place opened for business for the day. I mean… that’s just a way-crazy chain of events, you know??

It’s just easier to take the simplest rout. Isn’t it just possible that, it being so early in the morning, the guy just wanted a nice steaming cup of piss?


February 25, 2006 - Posted by | Crazy and/or Weird, Random & Miscellany, Unwashed Masses

1 Comment »

  1. That was so gross. Why are people jsut so nasty?

    Comment by HMC | February 27, 2006

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