Suicidal Snowflakes

Just because I have a short attention span doesn\’t mean I…

NASCAR Sunday Sunday Sunday!

I have a feeling I’m going to fall asleep five minutes after Daytona starts tomorrow. I’ve gotten up uber early every day this week, including today, and I’m just completely pooped out. Then I gotta get up like really fricking early for church tomorrow. And it’s not even like *shaking fists* You’d better appreciate how freaking early I got up today, God! No. It’s more like… *shaking fists* You’d better appreciate how early I got up today, Choir Director!

Which is a shame. Because I bought chicken strips and everything.

Mmm. Chicken.

[completely haven’t had my ADD meds today, can’t you tell?]

Some of the folks I went to high school with have little kids, and I see their chubby little faces sticking out of carts at the grocery store, and my first reaction is awwwwww…. My second is… y’know, ya aint getting any younger… the third is… HOLY CRAP. I COULD NEVER HANDLE KIDS!!! I COULD NEVER HANDLE BEING EVEN MORE TIRED THAN I AM NOW!!! (Yes, yes, we do what we need to when the time comes, survival instinct is necessary for the perpetuation of the speciec, bla bla bla, but never say that to a tired woman).

Of course… I have a similar reaction when I see the kitties that live in the house at the end of the street. They have two identical white/tan cats, a grey cat, a black and white cat, and a tan cat… at least two dogs… every day when I drive by there’s usually at least one in the window. If there is, I know it’s gunna be a good day. Find a penny, pick it up. And if there’s two in the window, that’s really special. Sometimes, I’ll drive by and there’s one sitting up, another laying down, and a third with it’s head on the second one’s butt. It’s picturesque and stuff.

[I’d like to take this opportunity to say… MY LITTLE PONY AND ME!!!!!!!–need my meds]

I saw the one that’s white and black today, he’s so thin and little. I don’t know if he’s a kitten, or just petite, and I thought awww… I want an animal soooo bad. Why do I want one? That’s like… more work. And I always try to check my desire to want things for the sake of wanting them… and I decided, it’s not like wanting a bigger shinier TV, it’s like… wanting more love in the home. And kitties give love. And then I was like… wait… that’s what kids’re for.

And then I paniced again. OH MY GOD, I CAN’T HANDLE A KID! I want a cat because I can’t handle a kid! I’m so selfish, I just wanna have my own life, and not worry about someone else all the time… I’m such a horrible person for only wanting to do what I want to do all the time! I can’t have my time interrupted from now until someone’s 18, and never have a quiet moment ever again! I can’t handle getting up early and getting grocery shopping done, and getting my chores done and working. I can’t imagine being responsible for someone and working. And the cost of childcare! Oh god, I’ll be one of those people that puts my kid in daycare and doesn’t see them 12 hrs a day, then they’re sleeping for 8, and I’m spending an hour in the morning and at night fighting with them to get dressed and get bathed and put their toys away… Holy crap, my job would NEVER be understanding if I had to take off because a kid was sick… shit, I don’t even know how they’d feel about maternity leave. I can’t afford maternity leave! I can’t work and have someone who needs all kinds of taking care of and SUPERVISION!!! And will just keep wanting STUFF, and whining and crying all the time when I have a headache!! OH MY GOD. 18 years of WHINING while I have a headache!! Constant misary! That’s hell! I don’t care about that ‘love they have to give,’ shit! What about the heartache, and the not listening to me, and going off and ruining their lives with some guy who can’t even hack community college…

All of this was going on in the half block from the kitty house to the stop sign closer to my end of the street. I stopped and made myself take a deep breath. I’m tired, because I am working full time and going to school. School won’t last forever. It feels like it, but it won’t. And I’ll eventually get a full night’s sleep. Eventually.


February 18, 2006 - Posted by | NASCAR, Random & Miscellany

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