Suicidal Snowflakes

Just because I have a short attention span doesn\’t mean I…

Theory versus practice.

I’m watching EWTN live and Fr. Pacwa is interviewing Raymond Arroyo about his biography of Mother Angelica. He said something that really hit home to me–Mother Angelica defended Christ and the Church like an Italian woman defending her husband. Christ was a person, not a theory. The church was tangeable and not some idea.

Back in the day (haha, I’m so old I can stay that) when I was in undergrad in ‘theater school’ (I’d mention that it was a conservatory, but then I’d sound pretensious ;)… we were told over and over again to “be in the moment” not to “be in your head.” I think that might apply very much to faith. When you get in your head, you end up debating this that and the other thing, and nine times out of ten, talk yourself out of it. Meanwhile, the world’s passing you by while you’re debating the rightness or wrongness of xyz.

I think faith is very much about being “in the moment,” doing something. Sometimes ‘doing’ isn’t so much a physical act. Today I had the “luxury” of twelve free minutes in front of the eucharist. I ALMOST debated do I have enough time, maybe if I just take off, or just spend five minutes, I’ll be able to spend more time at the gym, and I’m a big fatty, I need it…

Instead I plopped my butt in a pew. And wow, did I feel small. There was one lady there, quietly praying to herself. She was having HER time with God, which left me ‘alone’ to have my time with God. No music controvercy (I refused to even look at the music I’d just picked up), no worrying about the direction the parish was taking… that stuff’s very little and petty, and has been eating me up. It’s important, but not as important as having my butt in that chair. At that moment, I didn’t have to worry about that stuff. It fell into the perifry. There was only one thing going on. Me and Jesus.

How do i explain it, exactly? That stuff matters, that stuff eats at me. But somehow, it distracts me. And I wouldn’t have had that grounding moment if I would have debated with myself. It gets me back to the person of Jesus, instead of the theory of Jesus. You can’t have the spirit of the law without the letter of the law… it would appear that you can’t truely understand the theory or philosophy of Jesus without the person of Jesus.

Those times when I get in my head–that’s when I feel restless and onry and distant from God. My head can be reading something abou Christ, and I can be mentally gnawing away with that. Not to mention mulling away at how mean and stupid everyone is (yes, moment of personal honesty here)… but it’s like living in the same apartment building as someone, but never actually running into them. You see their window box is really growing well, but you can’t ask them what kind of fertilizer they’re using becuase you’re like two ships passing in the night. Or, more accurately, they’re in their apartment, the door’s shut but unlocked, and you’re too chicken to knock and stop in.

Jesus is a person, not an idea. Jesus a person, not impossible standard it would be NICE to try to live up to. Jesus is Lord and God. But he’s not the theory of a supreme ruler, he is a person. God isn’t a theoretical being–God is a person.

It’s lately; i’m not sure even i know what I’m talking about at this point. I’ll just leave it at that before I embarass myself.


September 8, 2005 - Posted by | Religion

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