Suicidal Snowflakes

Just because I have a short attention span doesn\’t mean I…

I’m not sure it’s possible to be more pissed off

I got up at 7am, and left shortly thereafter to get a bastion of car work done today. We spent some time (a little more than I was intending) with a friend, and didn’t get home from subsiquent grocery shopping, etc. until about fifteen minutes ago. There’re three messages. All are from my mother. The first is telling me “not to forget the thing at Nana’s today.”

You know… that THING SHE NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT!!!??

I figured if there was to be any getting together, it would happen ON Memorial Day or Sunday. I never heard from ANYONE, and I’ve been swamped with work and school. I don’t even stick my head up for air any more.

Second message, wondering where we were, reminding me that this may be the last time the entire family’s together since Nana isn’t doing too well.

I just started screaming and didn’t even listen to the third message. I was so angry at the time, and I know James feels like I was taking it out on him. I was angry at my mother for not telling me. OOhhh it just slipped her mind. Mom never knows what the hell she tells me, and what the hell not. Nor does she listen to a fucking word I say. I have been telling her for two weeks today was the magic day in which all my car problems would be solved. Does she ever compare this information to the information about the date/time of Nana’s party? NO. I feel like no one thinks about me and no one cares enough about me to listen to me or pay attention to me.

I was so angry before, but now I’m just really sad and fighting back tears. I KNOW it’s very well the last time we may all get together. I want to see my aunt and uncle that live in MD and their kids… I WANT to spend time with my family. Hell, I’ve been talking about wanting to get together and looking forward to getting together for the holiday for WEEKS.

I can’t fricking read minds. I also can’t stop crying. Some of the best family memories I have are the get-togethers over my grandmother’s house. I want to have more of that before she’s gone. I didn’t get that with my dad’s mom before she died.

I could have done more. I could have followed up, and not just assumed. I hate how busy I’ve been, and I despise myself for being that busy and not thinking of everything, and doing everything and being everything. I can’t even get my own housework done or my homework done. I barely remembered that my parents have birthdays this month, and then didn’t act upon it when I was at the store. I just can’t keep track of everything any more. I hate myself for it.

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May 29, 2005 - Posted by | Chamomile

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