WAAA!!

AFTER my staff benefit was applied, I owe $1,602.58 for my tuition.
I can see the future…

I see a lot of Mac n Cheese in it.

…btw…

Sincerest apologies for nerding out so hard on Doctor who.  I don’t know wha’s gotten into me.  When I broke my Nerd on stargate a few months back, I at least suffered in silence.  I wonder why I can’t manage it just now.

…Yeah.

I need to shut up tonight.  Really.

Anyways: one O my favoritest Dr Who quotes:

Mickey: “What’s a horse doing on a spaceship?”
The Doctor: “Mickey, what’s 18th century France doing on a spaceship? Get some perspective!”

I don’t know why.

Anyways…

I hate being busy, busy busy. Got some stargate on yee olde dvr that needs watchin’ and stuff. I wanna see Dr Lam and Cam get r dun.  Like more than I wanted to see Frasier and Daniel get it on.  I don’t know.  I just secretly like nerd love

Speaking of nerd love… I’ve been like a whole year without any captain jack in my life.  it makes me sad.  Octobers too long to wait.  Maybe I need a Captain jack montage.  Like… Captain Jack…the desktop experience or something. Yeah. that’s it…

WAY too much booze.

This one time… at smart-kid-camp…

Sorry, dude.  Living on math is like livin’ on love–neither’ll feed ya.  And if video games are involved, neither will keep you warm at night.

Thanks for totally making me feel like an under-achiever, dude.  I didn’t start grad school the first time till I was 20.  Then I freaked out in the first week of November when i was sitting around, listening to the retarded things that graduate english majors think about and consider important. I seriously, SERIOUSLY had a breakdown over it.  And that was it, man.  My 3-credit graduate career, down the sh-tter. it took me four years to get enough self-esteem to even apply to another program.  Of course, I’d have probably slit my wrists with the broken remains of the bathroom mirror I’d just bashed my head against if I’d have not been accepted, but hey.

Seriously, I still wanna be a writer when I grows up, but i can’t freakin’ stand the stuck-up twads in the English department.  Buncha freakin’ literature snobs.  FINALLY finished my writing certificate last year… AFTER I’d been in grad school for two terms, I might add… All because I WANTED to take this one class (not really required) but couldn’t find a teacher who wasn’t completely unbearable.  I don’t see anything un-literary about zombies.  They’re people too, dammit.  But I wasn’t beiing a total Kafkaesque jerkwad about it, so oh… that’s a “genre story,” which is too base and low-class for us stuck-up coffee-drinking baret-wearing yuppie freaks.  I had another nervous breakdown a couple years ago when i realized I’d never conform to what they thougt was a worthy writing enterprise.  You know, sometimes, you just wanna write stuff that is fun to read and makes other people happy.  If something deeper happens, great.  If not, I’m not going to force it and pretend i’m F. Scott Fitzgerald, because oh my god, if I was, I’d probably impale myself on my own writing implement.  ARUGG.  Literature snob flashbacks.  Sorry.

Anyways, took me another year to realize it was OK that I’d never fit in with them.  It doesn’t mean I’m stupid (or at least I hope not) it just means I’m on a different path and they’ve taught me all that they can teach me.  I know HOW to think, which is the real job of a teacher.  I have a library card and I happen to be literate.  I think I can let the books teach me WHAT to think.

Can you tell I’ve had like 8 shots of whiskey?? I’m waxing on about my traumatic English department past, which I’d thought long since burried safely in my subconscious.  Guess not.  Oh well, I’m bitter that my dad’s an ass tonight too.  I guess it’s all connected.

Several points:

1) I continue to fail at eating.  I’m looking at dinner.  I’m not sure why I can’t quite bring myself to eat it.

2) The booze is going down remarkably well, tho.  The grenadine and grapefruit juice really hide the four shots of whiskey in the glass.

3) I hate video games.  I think they’re the devil’s tool.  Not because they’re going to turn you into a round pill eating creature that sits in the dark… or a psychopath… they’re just a freakin’ waist of time.  Why the hell play a video game about a game, why not just play the game? And I’m so sick of hearing about the complicated “stories” in the video games (or roll playing games for that matter–I hate those too)… Go write a story, or read a story, or watch tv or something.  And why do those things have to take FOREVER??? Everybody that I know that spends time playing video games or roll playing games can spend 6 to 12 hrs at a crack playing with narry getting up for even a pee.

My husband makes me nuts.  He’s always whining about how he “never gets time to play,” because, I guess, if he doesn’t get to play for at least six hours every day or every other day, he’s “never” playing.  Meanwhile, I spend my day off running around, usually for him, and if he has to go out and do ANY chore on his day off that I’m working, he whines non stop about how he “never” gets any time to play his games.   And God.  trying to get him out the door, or off the thing and to bed, or whateverthehell, it’s like pulling teeth.  I try to be reasonable “Ten more minutes and we need to start getting ready.” “Ok, it was ten minutes ten minutes ago,” “ok, now we’re late…” And then he gets mad and offended when I finally get pissed at him and snap and demand he get off the g-d computer or x box before I stick an ax through the monitor/tv.  UGG.

I can’t even freaking imagine having that much free time.  It takes me DAYS to play one game of bookworm.  And every minute I’m doing that is a minute I’m not doing homework.  Which brings me to my next point

4) My abstracting teacher is a nice lady, but holy crap… it’s too much work.  It’s like having another full time job.  Then I got about a week or two behind at the beginning of the term, and I’m always a day late and a dollar short.  of course, she’s a stickler for deadlines (her perrogative, of course), but I just feel intensely doomed.  My other class was (thank GOD it’s over today) a cake-walk comparitively, and I just can’t seem to break even with this class.  I’m so freakin’ sick of doing homework.  I’m sick of worrying about how behind I am.  I especially hate that we never get any feedback or anything back until the end of the term.  I kind of want to know if I should just throw in the towel. I mean, if I’m getting anything below a B, which seems to be the only possibility, all things considered, i’m better off withdrawing or something, because I’m going to have to retake the credits anyways.

5) Why does grad school have grades?? either you’re  a super-overachiever, or you’re everybody else, or you’re a failure.

6) Depression level: Phantom of the Opera.  Yeah.  That bummed.  I think a good bit of it is sleep deprivation.  but I’m also overwelmed by how much I have to do and how little time I have to do it in.  And when I get to the point where I just can’t do any more (like when I finally had to admit that I was just going around in circles with that imbedded index thing–oh god, microsoft, your word directions are SO bad) and I finally collapse so i can get a couple hrs sleep… and I mean a couple, I feel guilty.  I feel guilty for my weakness. Which leads me #7

7) My homework not being done is directly related to my dad being an ass.  If he were a dad who acted like a real parent and took responsibility for his offspring, I wouldn’t be as sleep deprived from doing this and that for mary.  I mean, he wouldn’t even get her the stupid boot for her foot.  I didn’t take her to her last appointment.  I dont even remember why.  Probably exhaustion.  I go and go and go like a bat out of hell and finally I just crash.  unfortunately, I recently discovered that even though you get sick days, you’re not supposed to take them. Which is also adding to my burnt-out-ness.  When I get all nauseous, or a terrible headache from sleep deprivation, or my back’s killing me because that’s what it LOVES to do, I’ll just haveta keep on truckin.  This coupled with the state of my vacation days is frying my  brain cells.  Even if I had a day or two to just do nothing but homework… I’d have less stress.

There’s been a tree down in my back yard for two weeks.  it layed on the fence for three or four days because I just had no time or umf to deal.  Finally i dragged it off the fence and broke off the twigs that were still touching it.

9) I want to shoot  my husband’s sound system.  He should be glad we don’t have a gun.  I’m so sick of asking him to turn stuff down, then HE gets offended.

10) I think it would have been really nice if he’d have disconnected himself from the matrix for a few minutes to make me dinner.

11) I’m so sick of my mom sending me emails. I’m sick of hearing about my dad.  I’m sorry he’s ruining her life.  he really did a number on mine, and my credit when i was in college.  but hey, i’m (mostly) over it.  As long as we just don’t talk about it.  he’s such a freakin’ jerk.  See above.  If he were a real dad, when I’m having a house problem, like the lawn mower, I could call him and at least ask for advice.  A real, REAL dad would try to fix it.

11a) Not sure why, i really don’t even think about him that much, unless he’s doing something rottin to someone, but I’ve had nightmares about him the last three or four nights.  Which is odd, because I don’t sleep much any more.

12) I hate being awake.

13) I’m sad that I have to go back to work tomorrow.

14) I’m sad that i did 8 hrs of school then 8 hrs at work.  It makes my brains run out of my ears.

15) I feel generally under-appreciated.

16) still looking at my damned dinner.  Guess I can give this to james, I’m sure he’s still hungry.  I’ll tell him I’m going to go down and make a shake, and I’ll probably mean to, then I’ll just go to bed, even tho my tummy is rumbly.  The hunger in my tummy is still preferable to all the effort that goes into eating. i mean, you have to pick up the food, put it to your mouth, bite it off, and chew.  And swallow.  Sometimes my teeth hurt when I bite it off and chew, and for some reason sometimes my swallowing aint going well lately.  Like my throat’s always dry or something.  I HATE swallowing pills any more.  I actually bought chewable vitimans.  My nutritionist (who may or may not be full of crap) says two kids’ chewables complete is the equivolent of an adult vitamin.  Usually i consume the first then I’m like aww, crap.  Do I really have to like… chew my other one? then swallow it??

17) Did you know you can get your vitamin B from a once-a-month shot?? too bad you can’t do that with food.

18) Still haven’t been swimming this summer.  No swimming prospects in the future, either.

19) A whole day away would be nice.  Of course, then I’d freak out and have an anxiety attack about my homework, so it’d ruin the whole day, so whatever.

20) SO tired.  So tired I want to die.  I am waa waaa miserable and tired.  And I feel like everybody should be nice to me. I think I deserve everyone being nice.